Old Habits Die Hard

My addiction sprung it's ugly head up today and I broke 2 cardinal rules:
1. Don't eat more than you can hold.
2. Don't eat too fast
What an idiot I am! I chugged down some rotisserie chicken breast that was too much for me-about the size of my palm or less. Then, in my infinate wisdom, I added a rolaids to top it off. (I eat 3 rolaids/day to get my calcium) It was the worst feeling ever! I almost committed bariatric suicide (I think???). I began having sharp pains in my chest and back, then I got to shaking and got really pale and thought I was going to pass out. Then I started feeling the feel that this chicken is making a return visit. Yep...I barfed 6 times! It was not your normal barf. I compare it to a man passing a kidney stone. You see, the opening to my "pouch" is the size of a dime. NOT GOOD! It was an ugly scene (my poor hostas). I don't know if I will ever be able to eat chicken again! Most of the time when you throw up, once you finally do it, most of the time you feel better. NOT TRUE ANYMORE! I was really sick for about an hour. What a bonehead! Worst of all, when I go back to my first visit to Dr. McNat, post surgery, I will not be able to report that I am still their "poster child", and must tell the truth about my overeating bonehead move! I am so disappointed in myself. It was so uncalled for. I guess the good news is that I lost 1.5lbs today and I wore a shirt that I have not been able to wear for over 2 years! I still give the Lord all the credit for this! He has taken such good care of me...now I need to do the same.

New Things Today!

I had to work court all day today-did not get home until 6PM. I worked my butt off all day! It was a very busy day and I am very tired. I discovered some new things that I liked and could have today. I took my son to the Mexican Restaurant and I was able to eat a small amount of ground beef with some cheese on it! I have been trying to drink that nasty unsweet tea because I am getting tired of the water/crystal lite. I have tried Splenda in the past, and thought it to be disgusting. But I decided to use it today and it was the bomb! I almost tasted like the real thing! It was so much better than that nasty bitter plain tea. I also went to the grocery store to get more of my beloved sugar free popsicles and cruised the OJ asile. To my amazement that have a new product called Trop 50. It is a very unsweetened version of real OJ! OMG-it was like heaven! There was no way to describe how awesome it was! It is very low in sugar (about like my protein shakes) has 50 calories in an 8 oz glass (would take me all day to drink 8 oz), and was very high in posassium (which I have been needing!). The only downfall was the lack of protein. Things are looking up! I was having trouble living with the fact that I could no longer drink my most favorite thing ever-OJ! PRe surgery I would drink about 2 gallons/week. This was always how I explained my good health and lack of colds/flu. OJ-you are back in my life baaaabeeee!
Clothes are still getting looser, but no weight loss to record for today.

Back to Work Full Time

I started back to work FT today. It made me very tired. It will take a while to get back into the swing of things. I have been very tempted today to eat things I know I can't have right now. Specifically a salad. I want one so bad. I munched on a few slices of tomato today. I would just love some sweet tea, but I know that is what helped get me overweight to start with. I got most of my shake down today. Popsicles are still the bomb!
Weight loss is around the same. 30+ lbs. What was great was I saw a bunch of people that I had not seen in a while, when I was waiting in line at the funeral home and they all made comments about how much weight I lost and how I looked good. That felt great! Too bad it had to happen at such a depressing place. Please pray for my friend Jay, who lost his dad. May God Bless!

Starting to Believe

I got so busy planting flowers yesterday, I did not have time to write. I got lots of exercise yesterday and I can tell it today. I am wiped out! We went to church this morning and I got so many comments about how much weight I am loosing. That felt great! After so many years of defeat, it is still hard to get thru my thick skull that this is the real thing! Finally something with some real possibilities vs. empty promises and failure. This will work, if I don't screw it up. I am trying really hard, but I am going to have to eat more than just those sugar free popsicles. I did chew up some hamburger yesterday and it was very filling. I also ate just a couple of bites of cheese and burger off Andy's pizza. That was good too! The only thing that I really want right now that I can't have is sweet tea. I tried unsweet and it just gave me a headache. I will just stick with diluted juice and crystal lite. My clothes are starting to get big on me. That feels awesome! I am over 30lbs. total weight loss in less than 3 weeks. I think that is really cool! I actually have a waist now!Kallie took this pic of me Friday evening.

Feeling Better

What can I say...Colace is my friend...it literally saved my a_ _. Sorry-I had to put that pun in. The Dr. warned me this might be a problem. Likey it is from all the iron I have to take. The last few days have not been fun. I am making it part of my pill regime daily. Hopefully after I get to eat more fiber I can manage without it. I know this is not the most pleasant topic, but the truth is the truth. I know how those poor Baboons feel now.
Enough of that, I got my fiber in and my vitamins. I have really pushed the liquids today. I have been fighting off dry mouth and this helps. I really dread going back to work FT next week. I think it will really wear me out. I am having my friend Lauren over on Sunday and she is going to work my young horses. That takes a big load off my mind. Some people actually told me that I am looking like I am really loosing weight today. That felt great! I spoke with a friend today about my surgery so he can make an informed decision about it. I really think I did the right thing. It gets easier every day! I am quickly approaching 30lbs of weight loss (that is like 6 bags of sugar!!!)

Felling Bad Today

Today has found me to be very weak. I don't really know why. I have been sleeping really well. I guess too much action for the week. Maybe I am not at tough as I thought I was??? I sure am happy that tomorrow is Friday. I am excited about going to the horse auction in Mt. Airy with my friends Roger and Lauren. Kallie and I went down today and messed around with some of the young horses. Boy that let me know quickly how weak that I am. I am doing well with the protein. I am having trouble keeping my body moving (if you know what I mean). They Dr. warned me that this would become a problem. Still...no regrets. I went to Brown's Restaurant today and ordered a very small cup of pinto beans. I ate about 3 spoonfulls. It filled me up. Well...at least eating out is very cheap now! I tried to drink a Muscle Milk (that was not lite) because they don't have the lite variety in town. That was a mistake. Even though it had only 6 grams of sugar, I could tell that it totally messed up my blood sugar. I got dizzy and nausea set in. I went to Lowes Foods and spoke with the manager, Kenneth. He is going to try to get the lite ones for me. This is truly a learning experience. Total weight loss to date-28lbs!

Day 15 & 16

I did not do a post yesterday, because there was not too much to write about. I did get my protein in. I did work 1/2 day. I had a 3/4 of a meatball from Subway for lunch. Staci says I won't have dumping if I could eat that meatball. It was delicious. The drain hole is filling in, but still hurts a little. I have still not lost anymore weight and that concerned me, so I spoke with Amber and she told me not to get on that scale but once a week. She said I will go 5 days without any loss and some days I might loose up to 7lbs. The biggest difference I can tell is in my clothes. Some are getting too big for me. :). So, even though I am not loosing weight, I am loosing inches. My body is rapidly changing. I have lost a lot of my hips and rear. My legs and arms are getting skinner. But the abdomen is still swelled and big. The bruises are still there. The incisions are healing nicely. I believe that I am on the mend. The only issue is some strange pain in the left side, just below the rib cage. This is weird and new. It is a stabbing pain. I hope it goes away soon.

DAy 14-I Am An Addict!

I did something really stupid today....I tried to smush up a small piece of a chicken tender and I smushed out the center of a french fry and I ate it. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I got really nauseated and dizzy. What happened was I went to my Strengthening Families class that I teach on Monday's, and they always feed the families at catered meal. They brought in the most wonderful smelling fried chicken tenders and I convinced myself that I could try just a bite. It was like a vampire smelling fresh blood! This is the first realization that I truly am a food addict! Having a career as a Substance Abuse Counselor, I am well acquainted with the 12 steps. And tonight I begin at step #1: Admit. I admit it, I am a food addict! To me food addiction is worse than any drug or alcohol addiction out there. Because it is in your face every day! It is something you must have to live. It is like I have a love/hate relationship with my food! Well, believe me, I learned the hard way today! I don't think I will be doing something that stupid again (at least for awhile). I know that I am human and make mistakes, but hopefully it will be awhile until another. I will just stick with my good ole smashed chili beans!

I also went back to work today. That was good. I went to pick up my bullet proof vest in Kernersville today, that I was fitted for in December. It did not fit! It was too big! Praise the Lord! (This pic was taken yesterday-I can see a little difference)

Day 13- Peaches & Church

Today started out great! It was my fav day of the week-Sunday! We went to church and I was able to sit thru the entire service (unlike last week). No pain at all. It was great to see our friends. It was also great to hear lots of encouragement. I had several people tell me that they could tell I have lost weight. Richard and Dr. Martha (internal med doc at Duke) were there. She gave me a wake up call about the protein (which I am not getting enough of). I know that I am going to have to do better. She was also concerned about my rapid weight loss 25lbs in less than two weeks. I am slowing down now though. I was loosing up to 5-6 lbs./day to just loosing about .5 or one a day now. I know that all that fluid they pumped into my veins had to come out. I really appreciate all her advice. She gave me so much reassurance before the surgery. As far as sleeping, I am getting 6-7 hrs/day. That is about what I was getting before surgery, That darn little drain hole feels funny. It is not painful, but uncomfortable when I lay down. I still have some bruises, but my glue has come off my incisions and they look good. I ate some smushed peaches for lunch and I got a little ticked off when I went for my fav (chili beans) for supper and someone had raided the jar! Andy made more for me and he sneaked in deer meat, but I was cool with that. It tasted awesome. I have dared anyone to touch my beans! I would likely fight over them. (Just kidding). I am really looking forward to being able to eat a scrambled egg with cheese on Tuesday. That is one of the recipies that Amber gave to me. I am still not hungry. I just have the emotional hunger.
Tomorrow I head back to work for 1/2 days this week. I am looking forward to that. I also teach my class at Whitetop tomorrow night. I am sad that I have to miss Kallie's track meet. But she has another on Tuesday. I can't wait to head in to work tomorrow and see how far behind I am. Praise God that I have a job and my health!

Day 12-What a Beautiful Day!!!!

Today almost made it into the 80's so I got outside and worked some. Kallie and I took a walk all the way to the barn and gave the horses and rabbits some much needed love. I got a little tired walking back up, but it was good for me. Had more chili beans again. I just can't get enough of them! It is not so much the taste, it is the texture and that little hint of spice. Andy smoked some boston butts today and made a fresh batch of BBQ. I had no desire for it. Now that is totally not me! My clothes are fitting better and the kids pitched in and we got the house cleaned. I felt very productive today. I topped the day off with the last orange popsicle.

Day 11-Chilli Beans

Today was beautiful day and I got lots of exercise. I almost feel normal again. Still some pulling and feelings of hardness in the abdominal area. I had one of those 45g protein bullets today. Blaahhhggggg! It was disgusting, but I got my protein shot in. I got permission to eat ground up foods today, by Amber. So, I took a can of chicken noodle soup and ground it up in the blender. It looked like baby poop! I could not stomach it. Later for dinner, Andy fixed some homemade chili beans and I ate some (ground up of course). Boy did those beans make my belly growl. I had 3 tsp of them and that was way too much. That has been the best thing that I have eaten so far. I am still grieving the social "eat", as we usually go out to eat on Friday or Sat. evenings. I am just gonna eat my chili beans all weekend. There is enough left over to feed me for the rest of the year! No more weight loss today, but I can feel the inches falling off my body. I was able to cross my legs today without a struggle. Wow-that was cool!

Day 10-My 1st Restaurant Experience

Today has been a better day for me. Less pain around the incisions and I am really liking the "muscle milk light" that Janie turned me on to. I got up and did a little housecleaning and later went to Kallie's track meet in Elkin. I did really well and I think the exercise gave me an energy boost. After the meet, Andy wanted to go to Cracker Barrel. He was all worried that this would be hard for me and I think he was feeling guilty. The guilt has been there for awhile, as I have noticed that he will go and hide to eat his meals. I told him that I was excited about getting a cup of soup. I really wanted the veggie soup, but I asked and it had sugar in it, so I got the creme of broccoli. I just ate the creamy part of it (about 2 spoonfulls) and drank water. It was so thick feeling that I had to get up and walk around to allow it to go down. It sat well on my tummy, but my tummy made really loud noises. I would be lying if I said that their food did not bother me a little. Caleb's expecially. He had fried shrimp and at a biscuit. The smell did not bother me and I was not at all hungry. It was just the visual appeal. Oh well, I got thru it ok.
Then we went to GNC to search for some protein shakes and vitamins. They have to be sugar free and be loaded with protein. The lady was especially helpful and I fund a new shake and a "protein bullet fruit drink". I unfortunately did not find chewable iron or the chewable calcium citrate. I am giving up on that and will just order some online from the Celebrate Vitamins website. I was very proud of myself for getting more protein in today. Weight loss to date is 22lbs!

Feeling Weird

I have felt very wierd today. Not a painful feeling, but around my big incision, it is getting very hard. I guess that is from the healing. I have those nice bruises around each incision and at my IV holes and they have turned from blue to green. I have felt very tired today. A friend told me that she had a type of "body rejection" that occured between week one and two. Maybe that is what I am going thru. The mood is good. I just feel like lying around today. I already got my vitamins down. Just have to work on the protein. I had two spoonfuls of low sodium tomato soup. Yuck! What a waste. Still not hungry, praise the Lord! I am going to get off my rear and try to walk some today. This is the first day that I have not exercised any.

One Week Later...

Well it has been one week since I had my GBP. I feel like I am doing amazingly well. Just a little tired and more of a weird feeling, vs. pain or soreness. Get this.....weight loss in one week. 19 POUNDS!!!!!!!! How incredible is that? I am now learning how to eat. It is difficult to get down 55 grams of protein daily along with all those vitamins and other pills. I eat 1/2 of one of those small, sugar free pudding cups (protein powder mixed in) and I am feeling stuffed. Hunger is still not there. I did do a booboo...I smashed up a few raspberries and ate them. Then I called my Nutritionalist (Amber). She said that was a no, no due to the seeds. I sure hope that does not cause any problems. I can acutally feel my body fat "melting" away every day. I even had one day that I lost 5lbs. As promised, here is a picture of me taken yesterday. I still have a long way to go, but I am getting there fast. Werewolf nose is still there, but not as bad. Sleeping about 5 hrs/night and napping some during the day. I still feel swelled up some in my abdomen. The mood is good. Praise God!!!!

Day 7- Grief and Laying Down

Last night was the first time that I experienced food grief. I wanted to try eating egg drop soup (only God knows why-I hated the stuff in the past), so he stopped by the local Chinese place to get some for me (it was like the best thing I have eaten so far-go figure???) and while he was there he got some shrimp lo mein and some fried rice for them. Even though the small was gaggworthy, just the look and imagining the texture of those wonderful noodles made me sad. I almost even cried! How stupid! You see, my "drug of choice" has always been breads, pasta, noodles, and Coca Cola. I am not a big dessert eater and I really never liked chocolate. There is a misconception that people who are overweight pig out on sweets. Not the case. Even when eating my drugs of choice, I rarely ever ate in excess. I am a carb junkie. Well anyway, I lived thru it and enjoyed my egg drop. Later in the evening, I was happy that I got to lay down for the first time. I have been sleeping propped up on the sofa with pillows. It felt weird to lay down and just hurt a little. I had a prop a pillow under my belly and I did not turn over but once last night. Which is very weird for me.
Today, my boss called and needed some paperwork, so I made a trip up to the office and saw Shane and Staci. It was good to get out and see them. I miss work. I am going to go back next week. I will probably ease back in with 1/2 days. This was also the first day that I drove the car. It has been 2 entire days with no Tylenol now. The most exciting thing is my rapid weight loss. Andy says he can almost see it melting off me. So far, I am down to 233 today. THAT IS 16 LBS IN LESS THAN A WEEK!!!!! Now that is exciting stuff! It would take me about 3 months to loose that much on the diet pills. Tomorrow is exactly one week since surgery and I will post pics.
I also want to mention that without GOD, none of this is possible. In my haste to get this blog caught up, I have not mentioned his name enough. This is all Him.
I am heading out to Whitetop this evening to teach my 2 hr Strengthening Families class and I look forward to seeing my good friend Jackie.

Day 6-Easter Sunday

Today was my first official outing. I went to church today. Rob told me not to go, because I would be as weak as a kitten, but I went anyway. It was Easter! I left without any pain meds on board. Praise God! I did get a little shaky and got too hot, but it was well worth it. They had a big breakfast there and the smell just gagged me out. The pain in minimal today. I plan to go teach my Strengthening Families class tomorrow night. I am getting in a much better mood. I still do feel a little "detatched" from my own body. It still feels very weird in there. I can still feel where they did everything. I introduced pudding today and made myself a smoothie for breakfast. It is a beautiful day!

Day 5 -2nd day at home.

Hey...I am starting to pull out of this thing. The Tylenol is being taken less and less. I even rode to the store with Andy for a few minutes. I got on the scales and I am down to 239. Amazing! I just want to take a moment to thank all the wonderful people in my life. My family, friends and Church family. They have all been so nice and supportive. Also my team at Baptist, most importantly my Dr. and my nutritionialist, Amber.
OK, my brother and his family are in from Raleigh, since it is Easter weekend. It was good to have company today. I also had a visit from Rob and Janie. Rob brought me his info from when he had the surgery 2 years ago. That was invaluable! It tells you step by step what you will be eating, feeling, doing, etc. They also brought me some muscle milk. That is one thing that I would recommend to anyone doing this...arm yourself with plenty of resources.
Another weird thing is I have the smelling powers of a werwolf. I can smell everything! When mom put lotion on (in the bathroom), I could smell it all the way in the living room and actually tasted it in my mouth! Weird! I smell every little thing. I was even able to detect that Andy stopped by BK and got him a burger the day before. Nothing gets by this supercharged nose.

Day 4 - At home

I honestly felt like I had been hit by a truck. My entire body ached. Still, I was refusing the Vicodan and taking the Tylenol. I questioned if they did surgery out on I-40 and let a few vehicles run over me during the process. I know...I should have given in to the opiates. I got to take a shower yesterday and today. That was awesome! Just 4 little holes in me. (Except for the big drain "bullet" hole. Today I continued on my applejuice, water, and I began my protein. My favorite thing in the world is popcicles (sugar free). They are the bomb! Still, I eat and drink very little. I am on a purely liquid diet. Some friendly church members brought in some wonderful comfort food for Andy and the kids. Chicken casserole, mashed potates, and corn. Yuck! The smell almost gagged me. I wanted no part of it. It was pretty, but it just turned my stomach to think about it. Which I am grateful for. That would be misery to be hungry for something that you cannot have. Dr. McNatt was right. No desire to eat. I am getting around somewhat better today and my head is clearing. Back and shoulder hurt..probably from holding up my big old head so much. I can't lay down.

Day 3 - Hospital Discharge

Dr. McNatt came by this morning and told us that he was going to let me go today, if I wanted to go. I was like, are you kidding? No, keep me here and sick me more and torture me just a little more. I put my foot down about the opiates and refused them all today and went on Tylenol. Probably not the greatest decision in the world. My friend Rob told me that his worst moment came when they removed his drain tube, and today was my day. I shared my concerns of this with the entourage of interns that come by and tell me about how I am the "poster child" daily. They said and I quote "I is a weird feeling, but does not hurt", "You don't need anestesia for this", "It only last just a few seconds and it is a feeling of pressure not pain". They are ALL LIARS!!!!!! I almost punched the intern in the face when she started yanking on all 18 inches of that thing. Her only comment was "oops, that one must have been stuck". I could not wait for her to leave. I really wanted to beat her down. The best way to describe it was someone pulling a large bullet backwards from your inner core to your left side, backwards attached to a string.
Well anyway, I lived thru that lie and made it to discharge about 5PM. I got home and we crushed up Tylenol and I ate it all night long. Every chance I got. I did not sleep much. Maybe 4 hrs.

April 8 Day after D-Day

Day #2 post surgery:

I kept poor mom up about all night. I was in pain and could not sleep. The catheter came out before I woke up in the recovery room so doing #1 was all up to me. When they are putting bags upon bag of that stuff into your IV, you have to go about 10 times a day. I, with all my infinate wisdom-after working in a drug rehab, made the choice to not take any opiate drugs (Morphine, Lortab, Vicodan, Oxycontin, etc.), because I just knew that they would make me feel out of my head and I would have to detox off them. So therefore, I decided that Torodal was my best friend. Bad choice. I only got one of those every 6 hrs, and the pain come on after about 2. They finally talked me into so Morphine later in the day. And yep, it made me feel crappy, but it did take the pain edge away. I was already trying to get over the anestesia, and this did not help. All the while, the Dr.s and nurses were saying I was doing fantastic. Andy stayed with me that night and we did get some sleep. As soon as you get asleep in the hospital, you get woke up from blood pressure takers, temp takers, vampires and the such. Why the heck do they draw blood at 3AM?

April 7, 2009 D-Day

This picture was taken a few weeks before my surgery.

Disgusting! Even poor Rascal can't believe it! If I fell on the poor guy, I would have probably killed him. I was at my all time high of 249lbs. I went on a pre-surgery diet and lost a few pounds.

The day finally arrived to have the surgery (which I had been waiting on for the last 7 weeks, but could not do because of Probation training). We arrived at Baptist Hospital at around 6AM. Boy was I nervous. They let Andy come back with me for a little while and the Dr. came in and wheeled me away. The last thing I remember after taking a very awesome drug called Versed, was telling the Dr. to bring his "A Game" to the table and giving him orders to cut really well. I looked up at those big lights and I was out for the next 5 hrs. (3 for surgery and 2 for recovery). I woke up in the recovery room with a very bossy nurse telling me to be still and go back to sleep. I was trying to tell the woman that I had a cramp in my shoulder, but she just would not listen. They finally took me to my room in the Stich Center where I would remain for the next 3 days. Andy and mom were waiting on me. Mom immediately got me up out of the bed because I was in so much pain from the gas (gastric bypass is done laproscopicly) that was under my ribs. Every breath was extremely painful. They told me walking would relieve it. I could imagine how funny it looked for mom and Andy trying to drag me around the room with my head flopping around because I was still under some anestesia. They said I was talking about some pretty wild stuff, but I don't remember it. I spent the day just trying to get my senses back and get rid of that horrible shoulder and neck pain. The Dr. said I was doing good and he tested me for leaks in the OR and found none. He just encouraged me to walk as much as possible to prevent blood clots. I had come this far and darn it, I was not going to die from a blood clot! So we walked. I had nothing to eat this day and DID NOT WANT ANYTHING TO EAT!

How the Heck did I get here?

How did a 5'4" athletic mother of two end up getting into weight issues? Well, it was a combo. First, I have been a very active person and could eat whatever I wanted...that was until I had babies. My metabolism went totally bonkers on me. Secondly, there is the issue of heredity. That coupled with my poor food choices were a recipe for disaster. So from the time I graduated HS at a weight of 125lbs, until two kids, 20 years and a hysterectomy later I am at 249lbs. I really got angry that little skinny people can eat twice what I ate and not gain an ounce, but I could just eat a kids meal hamburger and gain 5lbs. That was a bummer! I tried every possible way to loose weight and failed every single time. I did Weight Watchers (3X), Nutrisystem, The Weight Loss Clinic, and numerous Rx diets and pills loaded with Phentermine (for 6 years). The pills produced my greatest weight loss success at 32 lbs over a 6 month period, but I just could not take them and sleep. I had to use Benedryl for that. Also, after a period of several months, they begin to loose their potency and you slowly get hungry again. So, therefore you have to go off them for several months and then try again. Thus, you get the yo yo effect. Exercise was not an issue for me, like it is for most. Life on a farm takes care of that for you along with training horses and 2 very active kids. I even worked at Nautilus and worked out 4X/week with a personal trainer (thanks Mick!), but to no avail. In Nov 2008, my weight had gone from 225 to 233 and Christmas was not even here yet. I had just accepted a new job as a Probation Officer and I did not think I could do the job to the best of my ability unless I loose some weight. Also, life was beginning to get harder for me. My back hurt, I snored so badly that my hubby had to get up and sleep on the couch, my feet hurt, my cholesterol was high, I could not find clothes to fit, and the final straw came when I was unable to pull myself up on my horse by myself! I said to myself then that something had to happen and happen soon. I also had gestational diabetes with my last child and was at risk of developing diabetes. With the new job of working for the State of NC, came the opportunity to finally afford this surgery. With the guidance of two great people in my life, who had already been brave enough to do this, I made the decision to move forward. Thanks Staci and Rob! I am so sure that this is going to work for me, that I have begun this blog to show you my metamorphesis.